A Lady was conducting her anti drinking campaign outside a bar. A man came out of the Bar exuding alcohol fumes and the Lady said – “Tell me! If you arrive at the Gates of Heaven with your breath smelling of liquor… Do you think the Lord will let you in?”
“My good woman” passionately holding her hand, said the man, “When I go to Heaven I expect to leave my breath behind.”
Drinkers are practical people.
Kindly Respect & Support them…
It was five in the evening, the bank was almost closed. All of a sudden, the Branch Manager received a phone call from a lady. In a sweet voice she said – sir I urgently need Rs.10000. I’ll reach your bank in 10 minutes. Could you please wait for me?
Her voice was so captivating that the Branch Manager could not say no. He instructed his cashier to keep the cash ready. The cashier obeyed his boss with great reluctance.
After a while, a dark complexioned lady with ugliest of face and a huge tummy came to the bank, presented a cheque and asked for the money.
The BM was taken aback, as he was expecting a cute lady. He immediately told the lady that they had already closed the cash for the day and she should come next day.
The cashier was so furious and he asked the BM if his intention was to not to pay why he was made to sit late.
BM – Its the Universal rule of the banking that…
If words and figure don’t match, payment will be declined.
Desi Air India
Sign Board outside AIR INDIA plane:
Welcome to Warm & Motherly Treatment with us.
Warm because AC is not working…. and
Motherly because all Air hostess are above 50….!
Never Mess with Kids
A man was seated next to a kid in an airplane. The man turned to him and said, “Let’s talk”.
Kid: Ok, what do we talk about?
Man (making fun of d kid): How about nuclear power?
Kid: Very interesting topic. But let me ask u a question… Horse, cow & deer, all eat grass. Yet deer
excretes pellets, cow flat potty & horse clumps. Why?
Man: I don’t know.
Child: Do you really feel qualified enough to discuss nuclear issues when you don’t know shit…
This is an actual letter taken from the Times of India in response to a `Marriage Proposal’ advertisement:
I am one young gentleman living only with myself in Patna. I am seeing ur advertisement for marriage purpose in the daily newspaper. So I decide to press myself on u and I am hopping you will make the marriage with me.
I am the son of my father & mother of agriculture family from inside Patna. I having no sister and no brother also. I become big in Patna only. I educate myself in the Zuarilal Himmatlal High School, Bezna Road.
I am nice and big, six foots tall and six inches long. My body is filled with hardness why because I am working hardly. I am playing also hardly. Especially I am liking the cricket. I am a good batter also I am fast baller. Whenever I am coming running for the balling, all batters are running everywhere why because they are afraiding my balls. My balls are bouncing too much high. That is very danger for them.
I am very nice gentleman. I always laughing loudly at everyone. I am happy always and gay also. Ladies they are saying I am nice and soft because I giving respect to them. I am always liking if ladies are on top. That is how nice I am.
I am not having any bad habits. I drink milk only and no other bad things. I am not chewing cigarettes or eating gutka paan why because it not good for all the peoples. So I am not doing so.
I am keep fitting everyday. Morning I am going to jim and I am pumping like anything. Daily I am pumping and pumping. If you want you can came and see how I pumping the dumb bells in the jim. And now good muscles are come outing everywhere.
I am having very much money in my pant everyday and my pant is everyday open for you why because I am nice gentleman, but still I am living with myself only. What to do? So I am taking my things into my own hands everyday. That is why I want to press myself on you, so that you will come and take my things into your hands.
INCREDIBLY BRILLIANT INDIANS
In Japan, in a soap manufacturing company the soap blocks were made, then wrapped in a wrapping paper automatically on an assembly conveyer belt and finally packed in cartons…
Many a times it happened that the wrapping machine wrapped the paper without soap. i.e. you had an empty packet without soap.
To rectify this problem the Japanese company bought a X-ray scanner from the US for $60,000 to check on the assembly line whether the container contained soap and wasn’t empty.
A similar problem happened at Nirma soaps, in Ahmedabad in INDIA.. Guess what they did?
They bought a bajaj fan costing around Rs.1500/- and placed it on the edge of the assembly line.
The empty wrappers, without soaps just blew away!
Peter: Your secretary is very sexy…!
Johny: Thanks! It’s a robot actually, named Maria If you squeeze her right boob, she takes dictation & if you squeeze her left boob, she types letters!
I’ll Lend it to you for a day & you can see her functions…
Peter called Johny from hospital & shouted: You bastard! You didn’t tell me that the HOLE between Maria’s legs is a pencil sharpener.
International Women’s Day
A heart touching message… by a woman…”
Some one asked her…
Are you a working woman or a house-wife?
She replied : Yes I am a full time working house-wife.
I work 24 hours a day…
I’m a “mum”,
I’m a wife,
I’m a daughter,
I’m a daughter-in-law…
I’m an Alarm clock,
I’m a Cook,
I’m a Maid,
I’m a Teacher,
I’m a waiter,
I’m a nanny,
I’m a nurse,
I’m a handyman,
I’m a Security officer,
I’m a Counsellor,
I’m a comforter,
I don’t get holidays,
I don’t get sick leave,
I don’t get day off…
I work through day and night…
I’m on call…
all hours and get paid with a sentence…
“what do you do all day”
Raj and Rita got married but couldn’t afford a honeymoon, so they went back to Rita’s Mom and Dad’s house for their first night together.
In the morning, Pappu, Rita’s little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Raj and Rita are up yet.
She replies, ‘No’.
Pappu asks, ‘Do you know what I think?’
His mom replies, ‘I don’t want to hear what you think! Just go to school.’
Pappu comes home for lunch and asks his mom, ‘Are Raj and Rita up yet?’
She replies, ‘No.’
Pappu says, ‘Do you know what I think?’
His mom replies, ‘Never mind what you think!
Eat your lunch and go back to school.’
After school, Pappu comes home and asks again, ‘Are Raj and Rita up yet?’
His mom says, ‘No.’
He asks, ‘Do you know what I think?’
His mom replies, ‘Ok, now tell me what you think?’
He says: ‘Last night Raj came to my room for Vaseline and I think…
I gave him Fevicol!
Boss: So tell me young man, on what all occasions have you realized you have any importance in Company?
Employee: “Sir, whenever I asked for a leave”…..
whatsApp Your Sins
Man confessing to Priest via whatsApp: “Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I message dirty jokes and view naked women’s pictures on my mobile.”
Father: “Forward all your sins to me.”
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you, I’m doing community service this week.
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a ‘Thank You’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a grocer comes in for a haircut, and when he tried to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you , I’m doing community service this week.
The grocer was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a ‘Thank You’ card and a bag of fresh vegetables waiting for him at his door.
Then a politician came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.
The politician was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen politicians lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.