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Valentine's Day Advice - No, Not THAT Kind!

Valentine’s Day Advice – No, Not THAT Kind!

I don’t see why there is so much advice offered to single people about Valentine’s Day. They are not the ones having a hard time.

Recently, Yahoo surveyed users of their Personals page, and found that Valentine’s Day is part of “National Break-Up Season,” — a time when “people tend to ‘put up’ with current relationships in order to have a partner for holiday gatherings.” They are twice as likely to be thinking of breaking up, and once that last chocolate-covered cherry is gone, so too is their sweetheart.

A scientific approach to the same question also showed that couples are especially likely to break up during Valentine’s season. Unsurprisingly, the people in relationships that were not so great were especially likely to break up. More interestingly, even the people in the best relationships did not feel any better about their partners during Valentine’s season than any other time of year.

So, I think it is the couples who need advice. Here’s an excerpt from my book, Singled Out (pages 104-106), about the silly advice that is offered to singles, and my own version of similar advice for couples:

If you want to see fools rush in to provide well-meaning advice to hapless single people, buy a ticket for Valentine’s Day. One of my favorite examples appeared in USA Weekend in 2003, under the title “How to survive Valentine’s Day without a sweetie.” Here’s what it said.

Valentine’s Day alone need not be depressing or embarrassing; you can survive and even thrive without a lover if you plan accordingly. These tips come from [a] dating guru:

  1. Don’t just sit at home and mope. Keep your spirits high by getting together with other single friends. Make dinner, watch empowering movies (The War of the Roses is a good one) and talk trash about love.
  2. If you have no single friends, take the day for yourself. Do something fun: Take yourself shopping, go for a nice lunch, go to a museum. No errands today!
  3. Avoid romantic restaurants and bars. The scene will just remind you of your loneliness.
  4. For a little end-of-the-day affection, kiss your pets, if you have any.”

The guru is so smart that she knows without asking that if you have arrived at Valentine’s Day without a sweetie then you are miserable. Moreover, you are also stupid, and cannot figure out how to survive this tragedy without professional help.

Your first option, if you have some friends who are also losers, is to hide at home with them and cook your own dinner. I would not make fun of the suggestion to watch an empowering movie if the example of a “good one” involved strong, successful, happy singles. Instead, the guru expects singles to be empowered by a story in which a husband runs over his wife’s cat, and his wife cooks his dog for dinner, just to spite each other.

If you don’t have a sweetie and you don’t have any single friends, either, then you will have to play more than one role so you can pretend you are not alone. You get to be the grown up who “takes” the kid out for a really special day, and you also get to be the pathetic single person patted on the head by the indulgent adult.

Even without a sweetie or a single friend, you may still be salvageable. Perhaps you have some pets. If so, then you can kiss them.

If you have no sweetie, no single friends, and no pets, the guru is apparently stumped. She’s out of advice.

In fairness, I will admit that USA Weekend did also offer Valentine’s Day instructions for people who do have sweeties. Even coupled people need advice if their sweeties turn out to be imperfect. Take, for example, the problem of the “good guy who’s a lousy kisser.” To “handle” him, you can “stop the kiss as soon as it turns bad” and “without being obvious, use thumbs to clean up after a wet kisser.”

Frankly, I think the advice given to the person drowning in their sweetie’s kisses should parallel the advice given to singles. Here are some suggestions:

  1. Keep your spirits high by fantasizing about getting back to your own home where no grown adults will be slobbering all over you.
  2. Avoid romantic restaurants and bars. They will only remind you of all of the other drooling kissers.
  3. For a really good kiss, look to your dogs. They are neater.”

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