Amazingly, antelope stew
Is supposedly better for you
Than a goulash of rat
Or Hungarian cat;
But I guess that you probably gnu.
My neighbor came over to say
(Although not in a neighborly way)
That he’d knock me around
If I didn’t curb the sound
Of the classical music I play.
I told him, “Get out of my place
You’re an utter uncultured disgrace;
You’re a simpleton loon.
Don’t you know a good tune?”
Then he walloped me square in the face.
A young gourmet dining at Crewe
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, “Don’t shout
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too.”
There was a young man from Dealing
Who caught the bus for Ealing.
It said on the door
“Don’t spit on the floor”
So he jumped up and spat on the ceiling
As 007 walked by
He heard a wee spider say, “Hi.”
But shaken, he shot
It right there on the spot
As it tried to explain, “I’m a spi …”
There was a young dentist who thrilled
To the sound of a tooth being filled;
He would practise, they said
Every night in his shed ..
With the old Black & Decker ™ he’s skilled.
A motor mechanic named Fox
Got crushed between cylinder blocks.
They laid him to rest
In his boots and his vest
With his spanner and jack in the box.
One Saturday morning at three
A cheesemonger’s shop in Paree
Collapsed to the ground
With a thunderous sound
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
“It’s crescent shaped rolls that I want”
Cooed the shapely, urbane debutante.
“Didn’t rush off to town
And just scarf 1 Down;
I relaxed when I 8 Across aunt.”
An elderly man called Keith
Mislaid his set of false teeth –
They’d been laid on a chair,
He’d forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
There was a young lady named Harris
Whom nothing could ever embarrass
‘Til the salts that she shook
In the bath that she took
Turned out to be Plaster of Paris.
I’m really determined and keen
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I’ll do it today …
Well, I’ll do it tomorrow, I mean.
I’ve done it; I’ve done mown the lawn,
But my muscles are aching and torn.
I could swear there are some
In my legs and my bum
I’ve not used since the year I was born.
Said an ape as he swung by his tail,
To his offspring both female and male,
“From your offspring, my dears,
In a couple of years,
May evolve a professor at Yale.”
A he-melon suffering droop
Spied a she-melon round as a hoop;
And he beamed as he said,
“Come away, let’s be wed.”
But she sighed and she said, “Canteloupe.”
There was a young lady named Rose
Who had a large wart on her nose.
When she had it removed
Her appearance improved,
But her glasses slipped down to her toes.
This limerick’s simply sublime
And inspiring in meter and rhyme;
It expresses but nought
With intelligent thought
And to write it used acres of time.
There once was a fly on the wall
I wonder why didn’t it fall
Because its feet stuck
Or was it just luck
Or does gravity miss things so small?
A long time ago an old Squire
Met a pretty young lass in a choir
And said, “Miss, can we dance?”
But she told him, “No chance;
For I fear that I’m Handel’s miss, sire.”
There was a young fellow called Binn
Who was so excessively thin
That when he essayed
To drink lemonade
He slipped through the straw and fell in.