I recently asked my neighbors' little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up.
She said she wanted to be President some day.
Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her,
'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do? '
She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.'
Her parents beamed with pride.
'Wow...what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that!
You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50.
Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house. '
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked,
Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50? '
I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'
Her parents still aren't speaking to me.
Who Dies Next: A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy Moley, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy." He practically went into shock.
He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson.
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,...
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant.
Panic is when both are pregnant.
Do you know the importance of a period?
Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.
James bond was sitting at a bar when a pretty blonde sat next to him, James looked at his watch, looked back at the girl then looked back his watch.
The girl said "whats wrong, is your date late"
James said "No, I have just got a new watch which tells me about the girl sitting next to me"
The girl said "so what does it tell you about me?" James replied "it says your not wearing any underwear"
The girl said "Well I am"
James said "Sorry Love - this must be a hour fast"
a good lecture should be like a girl's mini skirt...
long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest!!!!
young girl praying:pls god et me marry an intelligent man
god replied: thats impossible, because intelligent men don't get married
Father: "I want you to marry a girl of my choice"
Son: "I will choose my own bride!"
Father: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son: "Well, in that case...ok"
Next - Father approaches Bill Gates.
Father: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
Father: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case...ok"
Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Father: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!"
Father: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President: "Ah, in that case...ok"
This is how business is done!!
Q: What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A: About 45 pounds!!
Two Lovers plan to suicide. Boy jumped first, Girl closed her eyes & return back,
saying love is blind. Boy in air opened his parachute saying love never dies.