Every Diwali, we bump into people we simply can’t stand, eat what we don’t want to, and generally end up doing the exact same stuff that we swore last year we’d never do. We brings you a list of all that you hate doing on this festive occasion.

SHUT THE BEEP UP

Reading a three-page long ‘Happy Diwali’ text message on your cell phone, that too in Hindi that’s written in English, feels like pulling teeth! It takes ages to get updated, and aeons to decipher. Worse, they’re mostly from numbers you never recognise. The basic rule for actor Mona Singh on Diwali is to delete such messages without even reading them. “What else can you do? It’s absurd to remind people that it’s Diwali by sending a message,” she says.

AAJ KUCH MEETHA NAA HO JAYE!

You know that those laddoos dripping ghee can do serious damage to your waistline. But do you dare refuse when they’re offered by the highest ranking in the ‘respected relative’ hierarchy? “You’re not expected to make any excuses,” says Devyani Gupta, a health freak. “It’s worse when you know the amount of calories you’re putting on, that too against your wishes. Giving them a logical explanation for refusing sweets is invariably interpreted as being discourteous. Since I don’t want my parents to be on the receiving end, I give in to their requests,” rues this DU student.

NO MAGI, THESE

Diwali gifts are the best way to communicate true feelings for those who fall short of words. But what do you do when you fall short of gifts? After all, you can hardly tell an unexpected visitor, ‘Sorry, gifts to khatam!’ “Last minute shopping irks me no end. Following a systematic approach for Diwali shopping doesn’t help. Bas shops ke chakkar lagata rehta hoon, unexpected guests ke liye,” complains entrepreneur Ajay Khanna.

DON’T LIKE YOUR GIFT? RECYCLE!

Last minute shopping, however, usually consists of buying the ubiquitous and inevitable cutlery – not to mention dessert bowls! Most of us even pass on last year’s crockery and cutlery we never used to someone else, but how do you avoid the embarrassment of inadvertently giving them to the very same person who gifted them to you? “My parents have devised an ingenious way of recycling Diwali dessert bowls and cutlery,” says Chand Malhotra (name changed), a media professional. “Every time they receive such stuff that they know will never enter their kitchen, they put a chit in its box saying who gave it to them, and then repack it and stash it away for a year. Next Diwali, they pass off all of those as new, and because of the chits, they don’t ever have to wrack their brains trying to remember who gave it to them!”

E-CARDS? EEEK!

E-cards always came to your rescue when it came to sending Diwali greetings to those you pretended to like. They’re cheap, quick and really annoying! But then, getting it back the same way ain’t pleasant, right? “I have already begun to get those hideous e-cards with music turn-ons, that too from my socalled cronies. I’ve always used this strategy to infuriate people I don’t bother to spend a penny on. But it’s embarrassing to be seen getting a taste of my own medicine!” says sales manager Ankit Sachdev.

NOT THIS KINDA JAM SESSION

“It’s crazy in Delhi and Mumbai,” complains actor Mona Wasu, who’s celebrating Diwali in Bali this year. “Meeting your relatives on Diwali means wasting long hours in traffic jams. Once, I could meet a dear friend for just few minutes after I spent three long hours stuck in a traffic jam in Mumbai. By the time I reached his place, it was too late,” she remembers.

DYSFUNCTIONAL FUNCTIONS!

Don’t you just hate standing through Diwali functions that you better not miss ’coz they’re socially unavoidable, but are mind-numbingly boring, as you’re absolutely clueless about who exactly the people are that are present there? Mona Singh admits that sometimes, to wheedle out of invitations she’s totally disinterested in, she leaves a message on her cell phone that says she’s not in town. Despite being caught several times, Mona says that these excuses do prove advantageous. “It is a bit awkward to be caught. However I avert an icky situation by saying, “I just got back home’ or ‘I’m about to leave in some time!’”

Diwali functions at the workplace don’t carry much importance for HR professional Akash Mehra either. “I attend the function, under compulsion, till the time my seniors stay. The moment they step out, I sneak out too, but make sure nobody sees me,” he says.

Here’s to a hassled... err... happy Diwali!