[11]

To Traffic Police
"I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer."

Peeyush Bhatnagar :: peeyush@summitindia.com

[12]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go.

Bijesh Pillai

[13]

An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff. The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon.
"Hold on there, Mister," said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?"
"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."
"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked.
"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em.

Bijesh Pillai

[14]

A man is sitting in a plane which is about to take-off when another man with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside. The dog is sat in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.

The dog handler says to the first man, "Don't mind Rover, he is a sniffer dog, the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne and I set him to work."

The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, "Watch this." 

He tells the dog, "Rover, search." 

The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds, it then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm.

He says, "Good boy", and turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this, and the seat number, for the police who will apprehend her on arrival."

"Fantastic!" replies the first man.

Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. The dog sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and places both paws on the handler's arm.

He says, "Good boy", and turns to the first man and says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of this, and the seat number."

"That's marvelous, I've never seen anything like it!" says the first man.

Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. He goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone, and then comes racing back and jumps up onto the seat and poops all over the place.

The first man is surprised and disgusted by this, and asks "What the bloody hell is going on?"

The handler replies, "He's just found a bomb!

Bijesh Pillai

[15]

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet.

The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim.

Bijesh Pillai

[16]

Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a sign that said, "Press bell for night watchman." She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs. The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.

"Well," he snarled at the blonde, "what do you want?"

"I just wanted to know why you can't ring it for yourself.

Bijesh Pillai

[17]

The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant doesn't answer. The Godfather asks again, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."

The Godfather says, "Well, ask him where the @#!* money is."

The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the three million dollars is. The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about." The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where the @#!* money is!"

The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!" The accountant signs back, "Okay! Okay! The money's hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"

The Godfather says, "Well, what did he say?"

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger.

Bijesh Pillai

[18]

First Man: Why are you staring at the can like this?
Second Man: It is written this Orange Juice can - 'Concentrate'.

[19]

A Chinese man went into a bar in Hawaii to have some drinks. At the counter, he was amazed to see that he was sitting next to the famous Hollywood director, Steven Spielberg. After finishing his beer the Chinese sensed that the famous producer was glaring at him. Suddenly, the Chinese crashed down from his stool, felled by a vicious punch from the director.

Picking himself up, he yelled, "What the hell was that for?"

The director ranted, "That's for the bombing of Pearl Harbor, you *@!:(**@!!*+! My dad perished in that bombing!"

"I am not Japanese, you stupid **~@!?*! I am Chinese!"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah...Japanese, Burmese, Chinese, you are all the same," retorted Spielberg.

Regaining his composure, the Chinese took his seat and ordered a double from the bartender. A few seconds later, the Chinese turned around and delivered a mighty punch to the director, sending him flat to the floor.

"What was that for?" exclaimed the director.

"That's for sinking the Titanic! I had ancestors on that ship!" the Chinese said.

"You ignorant chink! The Titanic sank because of an iceberg!" shouted the director.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah...Iceberg, Carlsberg, Spielberg,...you are all the same!

Shailender Singh

[20]

Henry Ford died and went to heaven. At the gates, an angel told Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention, the assembly line, changed the world. As a reward, you can hangout with anyone you want to in Heaven."

Ford thinks about it and says, "I want to hang out with God Himself." The be-feathered fellow at the Gates took Ford to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. 

Ford then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?" 

God said, "Ah, yes." 

"Well," said Ford, "you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much front end protrusion.
2. It chatters at high speeds.
3. Maintenance is very costly.
4. It constantly needs repainting and refinishing.
5. It is out of commission 5 or 6 of every 28 days.
6. The rear end wobbles too much.
7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.

"Hmmm," replied God, "hold on." God went to the Celestial Super computer, typed in a few keystrokes, and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper. "It may be that my invention is flawed," God replied to Henry Ford, "but according to statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours!

Bijesh Pillai

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Total 'Teens Jokes' available now: 127

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